Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wisdom to know the difference


Sorry for the long wait! It has taken me a while to get a blog together. I have found that the longer I am here, the harder it is to put all my experiences into words. Every time I sit down to write I get frustrated because I feel like I’m not explaining my experience the way it deserves to be explained, if that makes sense. I have found that it’s easier for me to just write about how I’m feeling, so that’s what I’ll do.

It’s the middle of my sixth week in Uganda and this experience is more than I could have ever dreamed for. I feel that I am being emotionally and spiritually filled everyday. Although accompanied with frustration and hardships, I genuinely love life here. I love cradling babies in my arms, wiping tears from their eyes, and snot from their faces. I love playing soccer for hours and hours....and hours....with little boys who can't get enough of it. I love pouring water down thirsty little throats and giving food to hungry street children. I love being taught by those I teach. I love forming relationships with SO many good-hearted locals. I love hearing the words "I love you" come from a mouth with no front teeth. I love sponge-bathing sixty orphans. I love the gorgeous mountains and starry nights. I love going on afternoon runs and taking in all the breathtaking views that this beautiful land provides. I love ending each day filthy and too tired to move. I love being challenged endlessly. I could go on forever! I love love love. I even LOVE teaching, not something I expected. My students are amazing and so bright. They enjoy all the crafts and lessons. The classroom walls, which were bare when I arrived, are now covered with colorful crafts and pictures!

Tonny, a student in my class who lives in a nearby village was absent for two days in a row last week. He had never been absent before and it started to worry me, so I asked the headmaster if he knew if Tonny was sick. He told me he had to send Tonny home and he wasn’t allowed to come back because he hadn’t paid his school fees. My heart sunk. He continued to tell me that Tonny’s father was deceased and his mother, who is a farmer, is raising her kids on her own. He said the family is very poor and always struggles to pay his school fees. The school fee per term (three terms in a year) is 60,000 shillings, which is equivalent to about $24USD. I knew I had to get Tonny back to school. I told the headmaster and he contacted the mother and told her that Tonny’s fees had been taken care of and he could come back to school. She started crying and asked if I would go to their home so she could thank me. The next day after school, me, Tonny, and the headmaster walked five miles into the village until we came upon a little house made of mud, clay, and straw. His mother was waiting outside and was so gracious and thankful that I had helped her family out. She was so honored that I was at her house. I soon found out that Tonny also has two older brothers (one is ten and one is twelve) that attend a free public school. The boys had to walk ten miles to school each morning and the school doesn’t provide lunch so they went from 6am to 4pm everyday with no food. I looked at the boys and my heart broke for them. I asked the headmaster if there was room for them to come to our school also. He said yes and translated the news to Tonny’s mother (in the villages they rarely speak English), and she literally fell on the ground crying. She said all her prayers had been answered and she couldn’t believe all her kids would be able to go to school and she wouldn’t have to worry about it. She said that God had entered her home when I walked through the door and that I was part of her family now. Needless to say, it was the most rewarding experience I have had. Now all three brothers attend the same school, closer to home, and have lunch everyday. I know it’s not much, but it completely changed this mother’s life.


These past six weeks have definitely been the most meaningful time of my life. I cry when I even think about leaving. I’m tearing up now just because I’m writing about it. It’s true that home is where the heart is. My heart is in Uganda, and it will be left here when I leave. Uganda is home. I have sixty orphaned children who each hold a place in my heart, and countless more from the surrounding villages. I feel so lucky just to know them. Although I can’t do everything for these children, the most important thing is just showing them that they’re worthy of my love and most importantly, God’s love. I can affect them just by showing them that although their parents are dead or not around, that they are still worthy of love that never ceases. I want to show them the love that doesn’t lessen if they fail or increase if they succeed, the love that always stays the same. The love that never ceases.

I think when I look back on my life, I’ll find that the moments I’ve really lived aren’t when I’ve done crazy or adventurous things. I think the moments in which I’m living are when I give a kid a pair of shoes who’s feet are covered with blisters, or when I just spend time jumping rope or blowing bubbles with the children, or when I tuck an orphan into bed at night and sing him lullabies because his parents are unable to do so because they’ve died from HIV/Aids. These are the moments which I am living. These are the moments that I’m doing what I was created to do. By completely losing myself in all that I do and experience here, I have actually found myself more than I ever have. 

I have learned that many peoples view on my time here in Uganda is that it’s dangerous. I’ve had people ask if I’m afraid of living in a country like Uganda. The truth is, I am much more afraid of remaining comfortable in the little bubble I was living in back home. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do miss America and want to live a “normal” life again. But I’ve realized I want other things more. I want to make a change. Sometimes this leads to frustration. I find sometimes that I think I have the courage to change all things. It's a blurry line between what you can change and what you can't, and it can be a very frustrating feeling trying to figure it out. "God grant me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." The wisdom to know the difference. Its an easier concept to say than to actually grasp and I am quickly finding that out. Some days I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to fix everything. I want to send every child in Uganda to school. I want to sponsor every child to ensure that they have clothes and food. I want to know that these children will have more than their parents did. But what I want to do and what I can do are very different. I know I am only one person, but at the same time, I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. I can make a difference, even in a small way. And if everyone does something, imagine what could be done. I pray you read this and your heart tells you to do something. You might not be able to change the world, however, you can change the world for one person.
  
I am overwhelmed by the incredible number of children who need help, and it makes me angry when I think of the unfairness of the situation. Why did these kids parents have to die or not have enough money to support them? Why do I have everything I could ever need in life, and more? Why me? Why them? These questions will go unanswered and they continue to tug at my heart everyday. I know it's not right for me to feel guilty for what I have, but how could I not? I see kids pick up an old banana peel off the floor and eat it like a kid in America would eat dessert. I see street kids who have no shoes and who's feet have been battered to the point where they have no toenails. I see ten year olds walk miles and miles for a jug of water. I see old women with bad backs walking miles and carrying pounds on their heads. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I can feel entirely too blessed. Blessed to have a family and parents who would do absolutely anything for me, and to have so many opportunities in life.

I love witnessing God’s plan unfold for my life. It’s a mystery that’s being solved more and more everyday with each new experience. His plan is unfolding in heartbreaking ways, and in courageous ways every single day.I sometimes wonder why out of all places, I felt the need to come to Uganda, now I know. I was meant to come here because God knew I would fall in love with it. He knew it was the place for me. He knew I would come and discover the need here and do what I can to fix it, and hopefully inspire others to do the same. It’s crazy to think that God knows all of this before it even happens and that He truly does have a plan for each of us. Sure, He might not have a plan for you to travel to a foreign land, it might be in your backyard. Human suffering and need are everywhere. I believe each of us was created to change the world for someone, somewhere. I challenge you to go find your Uganda, I promise you will not be disappointed.

I promise to not take so long to update next time! Hope everyone has a great week!!

Carson



tonny's mom, tonny, and his 2 brothers

some of my students with their butterflies!

Jordan with a card he made my moms kindergarten class

one afternoon we took some girls from the orphanage into town for lunch and shopping, they had so much fun!

pygmy village